All video games suck because you have to
pay money to get them! So, what's a cheap gamer like myself to do in this
situation? Browse the internet for free stuff and hope I don't find anything
strange - okay, it's too late for that, but also hope that I
find something good. A while back, I downloaded several games on Steam and just
decided to look at a few of them. I only had the patience to play through one
of them all the way through.
The first game I'm going to
talk about is "Secret of the Tremendous Corporation". The game begins
with Max Burton starting his job at Tremendous Corporation. Seriously, that's
what it's called. Anyways, the receptionist gives him his ID and tells him to
go use the elevator. But I want to talk to her a bit.
She didn't want to talk. She's just jealous of
beautiful I am. Then, I actually went in to the elevator and to the software
development room. None of the workers in that room want to talk to me either. After
just wandering around and stealing *cough* borrowing a couple pieces of gum, my
superior comes into the room.
I can tell already. He hates me. The first thing he
tells me to do is make coffee. So I went to try to make some coffee and the
coffee pot wasn't working, so I tried to tell him, but he didn't care. He just
wants coffee, not caring if it's impossible - oh, it was unplugged? - it was
just unplugged? WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME SEE THAT DETAIL, GAME!!!!!!!!
AUGGGGGHH!!!!
So, I go make some darn coffee. Unfortunately, while
I'm doing this some guys swoop in and kidnap the other workers and my superior,
leaving some rope behind. After this, the game wasn't clear on what I was
supposed to do, or how to do what I was supposed to do whenever I knew how. I
went straight back to the receptionist to give her a second chance.
I tried giving her a piece of gum, but she took it as
an insult. I wanted her to go out with me by any means possible, so I tried to
tie her up so I could kidnap her. (Reads what Max says) ....Um, that's not
quite what I meant. You two aren't married yet, Max. Calm down. Clearly, she
doesn't want anything to do with me, so I went home. The end.
There
isn't really anything special about the game. The graphics are hand-drawn and
look like half of them were drawn by a seven year-old. Some of it is pretty
detailed though. The music is alright for the kind of game it is as well.
Overall, I thought it was okay until I got stuck.
But this wasn't the only game that I got stuck in. The
other game was called Serena and from what I can piece together, it's about a
guy worried about his wife - who's dead? ...or alive? I don't really know, he
wasn't very clear... maybe this guy's just gone insane. Now, I wasn't able to
actually record the game's footage due to the terrible resolution, just the
audio, so I'm using someone else's footage.
I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to be doing. I
just wandered around the like two-room house clicking on things. There was a
bit of backstory here and there but I didn't care because I actually wanted to
be making some progress! After a while, I just couldn't take it and gave up. However,
there was one more game I played when I recorded footage. This one I actually
finished.
"emily is away" is a windows xp chat
simulation game. All you do in the game is chat with Emily online and picking
different conversation options will have a huge effect on the story. There are
five chapters, each one representing one year, from senior year of high school
to senior year of college. So, I begin by choosing an icon. None of them look
that good to me, so I'm just gonna go with this one.
Not long after I get online, I decide to chat with
Emily. Choosing a talk option is simple, either you click on it, or press the
number on your keyboard associated with that option. After that, you have to
press any key on your keyboard to type until you're finished typing. You can
use a combination of different keys if you want, which will make it a bit more
fun.
But you can also use just one and that's boring. Also,
I recommend playing with the keyboard when choosing talk options. Switching
between the mouse and keyboard is a pain. Anyways, Emily asks me some things
like if I listen to Coldplay - I don't - everyone knows Maroon 5 is FAR better
(totally not biased opinion) and given how Maroon 5 released their debut album
in 2002, the year Chapter 1 takes place in, it's likely that they've already
started releasing music in this universe. Also, they released an album (only
one officially) in the late 90's before they were known as Maroon 5.
But I'm getting off topic; Emily also asks where I
plant to go after a high school. I say that I plan to go to a business school.
Blah blah, talking about school. Then, Emily wants to know if I'll be there for
her, even if we're going to different schools. I started typing out
"you're my best" and then changed to one "one of my best
friends"... sounds like my social life sucks... just like it does at
school in real life! And then she responds to the message that was actually
sent. (FRIEND ZONED)
Oh yeah, there's this party and I told her I would go.
That's all for 2002. A year later, I start college. Now I have more options to
choose for an icon. I chose the one that looks like a cat. 'Cuz I like cats.
After I get into the instant messaging program, Emily
immediately wants to chat and wants to KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M DOING. Well, you
see, Emily: I'm playing this game, where I'm instant messaging you. THAT'S WHAT
I'M DOING! I just tell her I'm playing videogames. She tells me about a band
she likes, but as I figured, I know nothing about it. Emily also wants to know
what I'm doing tonight, so I told her that I'm hanging with some friends and
we're going to see a movie. I asked her if she had any plans and she says she
doesn't because "Brad" has band practice. I got really curious and
asked for information. I wanted to know who this guy was so I can find him and
kill him thirty six times! *cough*
Apparently, he's Emily's boyfriend. NOW I MUST KILL
HIM SEVENTY FOUR TIMES AS MUCH! I ask what he's like and I'm told he's kind of
a jerk and Emily gives me some details. I chose to say "I wouldn't treat
you like that" and as I was typing it, it was changed to "you
shouldn't be treated like that". Nice save, game. And that's about all
that's important from this conversation.
A year later, Emily wants to talk and says we haven't
talked in a while. She asks if I have any plans and I said I was hanging out
with a friend named Emma. Emily wanted to know exactly what she was to me. Plan
B, of course - I mean, just a friend! Emily wants to know what Emma is like and
I describe her as a "sweetheart". Not exactly what I was aiming to
see, but she is my plan B after all - she's just a friend, I swear!
Anyways, I decided ask Emily what she would be doing
later. Emily said she WAS going to go to a party, but was no longer going to
because she and brad broke up (victory song). So, as usual I try to get as many
details as I can out of her, as any gentleman would. So I talk to her about the
whole thing and soon she said she wanted to ask me something - but was almost
afraid to. She asked me why I didn't kiss her one time. I told her I didn't
know she felt that way.
She asks if she should come visit and I told her that
she should. I decided we would go to some parties together.
The next year, Emily tells me that our relationship
seems weird and now I'm worried. I wanted us to get together, but it didn't
happen. In the end, I apologized for making her feel awkward. Since that's the
one thing I'm good at it - apologizing. Then she asks about Mike, how I'm not
able to talk to much because he became serious about school. Dang it, Mike! Why
do you care so much about getting a good education so you can get a good job!?
You're so selfish!
Then she asks about Emma. I told Emily that I hadn't
seen Emma in a while, and she asks about my relationship with her. As I said
earlier, she's just a friend. There's nothing else I need to talk about for
2005.
When 2006 comes, Emily informs me that she and Brad
got back together. Crap. Then, Emily asks how Emma is doing and tell Emily I
barely see her because she is in a relationship with mike. Dangit, Plan A's with
Brad again and now Mike stole Plan B from me. WHY!? I don't even have a plan
C...
Emily apologizes. Then, I tell her I have other
friends. What? You don't believe me. I have friends...there's my anonymous
stalker... sticks... Austria...
marshmallow... leprechaun... I SWEAR THEY'RE REAL PEOPLE! Then, we talk about
school, but that's boring. And they're no sign of me getting with Emily and
I'll be single for likely the rest of my life.
So yeah, this game was interesting. Do I regret my
search for games on Steam? Eh, the games were okay. With free content, it's
rare to find gems. Lots of the free games I see are terrible. Others are good. The
Tremendous Corporation is too confusing and slow for me and Serena is just too
confusing in general. Emily is Away just reminds me of how I can't get a
girlfriend even in a videogame.
Okay, so I was successful twice in Heartache 101, but
I only have evidence of one time. So, I'm left with just one question on my
mind after doing all of this: "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!?"
